Equipping our children with the social and emotional skills of שלמה המלך

A version of this post originally appeared in Connections Magazine, Tevet 5782

מלכים א' ג:כה – ויאמר המלך גזרו את-הילד החי לשנים ותנו את-החצי לאחת ואת-החצי לאחת.

Split the child! Who would have thought that would work? If we’re being honest, none of us. Not because it sounds like a gamble. We just wouldn’t take seriously the possibility anyone would ever agree to such a proposition. And yet, we all know the rest of the story. I had a high school Rebbe, Rabbi Axelrod, who explained that שלמה המלך didn’t get lucky. It wasn’t a miracle. The king knew it would work. Why?

Understanding the King’s Understanding

Psychologist and bestselling Author Daniel Goleman popularized the term Emotional Intelligence, which describes the aptitude to recognize and regulate one’s own emotions and those of others. Goleman uses the term somewhat as a catchall to include social intelligence, behavioral intelligence, situational awareness, self-awareness and other skills, all of which weave together in a complex web of factors contributing to success when relating to oneself and others.

מלכים א' ג:ט – ונתת לעבדך לב שמע לשפט את-עמך להבין בין-טוב לרע כי מי יוכל לשפט את-עמך הכבד הזה.

The terminology of שלמו המלך, frankly, is far more eloquent than Goleman’s but the gist is the same. The new king had asked for emotional intelligence and השם made him its living embodiment. It wouldn’t be unreasonable then to assume שלמה המלך had begun reading the litigants as soon as they entered the royal court. Their clothing, posture, gait, facial expressions, everything. The king recognized the guilt in the offending party within moments of their entering.

If true, if שלמה המלך had figured this one out long before giving his verdict, why then the big show?

Well … because there was an audience.

With the gift of a לב שמע came penetrating self-awareness along with equally impressive situational awareness. שלמה המלך knew what he was capable of but he also knew that as a new king he had yet to earn the respect of the nation.

מלכים א' ג:כח – וישמעו כל-ישראל את-המשפט אשר שפט המלך ויראו מפני המלך כי ראו כי-חכמת אלוקים בקרבו לעשות משפט.

With this exceptional display of emotional understanding and judicial brilliance the new king had begun cementing his legacy as the wisest man to ever live. שלמה המלך was just twelve years old at the time.

Perhaps holding our own children to the same standard is a tad unfair. But I think every parent would agree, a base level of emotional intelligence is essential for developing into a happy, well-adjusted person capable of forming friendships, maintaining a healthy self-image and growing as a בן אדם.

Digitized & Desensitized

Unfortunately, developing this base level of emotional intelligence is harder than ever in our digital age. Emoji’s are a poor reference guide for learning facial cues and being more comfortable with an avatar than an actual person is a problem. One can only imagine how difficult it must be for a child, challenged more than average when it comes to emotional intelligence, to navigate the social and emotional waters of friends, family, faculty etc.

Now the good news. While many are naturally gifted in emotional intelligence the way others might be in mathematics or music, as it is with the latter two skills, emotional intelligence can be learned. There are logical patterns to be observed, studied and replicated. Things like body language and proximity management have patterns that when used one way or another can either place people on guard or disarm their emotional defenses. These patterns can be ingrained to a level of a natural skill or at least its near equivalent. Here’s one, I imagine, unexpected methodology for accomplishing this.

Martial Wisdom

Let’s return to שלמה המלך for a moment. Although gifted with emotional wisdom, perhaps it can be said that השם, in classic omniscient style, had all the pieces in place for this gift to be manifest long before it was asked for. Perhaps שלמה המלך inherited this potential from his father.

A warrior poet, דוד המלך was equally capable of analyzing and defeating a גלית on the battlefield as he was of healing the troubled mind of שאול המלך with his music in the throne room. It is no coincidence these seemingly disparate abilities were manifest in one personality. Both require one to take a look at themselves, the challenges they face and the context in which they face them. To assess what’s possible and what is not, to formulate a strategy and to act. However, the value of martial experience has a distinct advantage.

For the student of emotional intelligence, martial arts teaches the skills of self and contextual analysis in the most intuitive way possible. Assessing strength and weakness is a literal pursuit. The advantages and disadvantages of contextual terrain are literal. And one doesn’t have to engage in actual combat to access this value. Simple exercises emphasizing leverage, proximity and numerous elements of relationship dynamics are enough to habituate a student to engage in self and contextual awareness, as well as strategy formulation, all of which are taught in the most straightforward way possible.

Our children need these שלמה המלך-like skills. Awareness is sorely lacking; how their actions, texts, messaging groups, social circles, both on and offline can literally build or destroy themselves and others. Our children have sharp swords and they need to be aware of this fact and learn how to wield them. If and when they do, בעזרת השם, sky’s the limit.

Avraham Chaim Schneider is a 3rd degree black belt in תורה דוג'ו martial arts and a senior instructor in בית שמש. He holds an MBA from Bar-Ilan University and a BA Psychology. He is also the author of several books. Recently he teamed up with Ira Grotsky who holds an M. Ed in education and a BS in psychology. Ira is a trained CBT therapist and has offices in Beit Shemesh and Jerusalem. Together they’ve developed and are running the Social Skills Through Martial Wisdom Workshop in בית שמש. You can reach them at: Ira Grotsky – 0544410256 / iragrotsky@yahoo.com or A.C. Schneider – 0547688522 / ac@acschneider.com